Hey, I'm still alive. Or to be honest I'm alive again.

Today someone told me, that I'm such a positive and full of energy kind of person.
 It really flatters me since I've been everything except positive for a long time.
In fact: A couple of years ago I've been called the most negative person that person knew.
So I improved obviously.

"You know the truth by the way it feels."

Update: I'm still studying, but I will start taking some med- lectures next week, just for fun at first, we will see..

I'm getting my drivers licence for a motorbike :D AAAAAAHHH So excited, I can't even tell.
I'm dreaming of a black Yamaha R6 or a black Daytona 675, but I really don't consider this a good idea for a beginner.

Bad night: over the last 24 hours, four patients died at our ward.

One died, while we were reanimating him, one of our docs was really reanimating the shit out of him, my colleague P. asked with bewilderment: "Are you trying to introduce him into the mattress or something?" 

I hate the feeling when a rib cracks. At first it's hard and exhausting to reanimate and suddenly the rib cracks, it gets easier but the feeling is disgusting. Soft and mushy. 

Unfortunately he died. 

Anyway, some of colleagues are happy to see me and hug me when I'm at work, which isn't quite often due to my studies.. 

One more night to go

. 

So comforting.

Getting over it.

I wrote this post a long time ago, it was in June or July last year I think. I never wanted to publish it, until now. I think I finally made peace with it.


"Last weekend a patient of mine died.
It's been the first time, that I've been with a patient until the very end.

I mean, I've seen people dying. I've been there with colleagues but I've never been the one who was responsible for them in that moment.

So my patient died.
It wasn't a big surprise, actually he's been dying for weeks. His pancreas was rotten and started disgesting itself.  My Doctor told me: "We are giving at most 1µg Arterenol per minute, not more."

At the end of my shift he arrived at that line, his blood pressure still lowered and he died within a few minutes.

I stood there, next to his bed. 
One of my favourite colleagues looked into my room and asked whether everything was ok. 
"He's dead."
"I know, I meant: Is everything ok with you?"
 "This is the first time a patient dies while I am responsible for him."
"Tiny, are you crying?"
"...No.."
"Ok, I'll close the door behind me and you can be alone for a couple of minutes, ok? Just call me, if you need anything, alright?"
"Sure, thank you." "



 

Life was so different this time last year.

It's like a lifetime ago.

A lot happened since then, good stuff, sad stuff.
And things and people changed. For better and for worse.

Right now, I'm not sure what to think.
What to do.

I don't know what to say anymore.

Taken by Tiny, 2013

Oh my.. The XX, Bastille, TLC & Rihanna in one song, but it's gorgeous!

Music makes me happy

All of these songs make me wanna dance instantly, of course singing along loud and horrible, comme toujours!

But this song:



touches me so much and makes me shiver.

Unfinished post

A while ago I wrote the beginning of a blog post, it seemed to be the winter two years ago I suppose but unfortunately I did not finish it and I don't remember the situation. So we will never know what exactly I replied.
This is the post:

One of the guys who drives the patients from the ward to all the different examinations seemed to be in a pretty good mood. I wanted to pick a patient up at the intensive ward and said:
"Oh, wait a minute, I'm just getting a jacket, otherwise I'll freeze my ass off."
and he replied:
"Well.. With me, you don't need a jacket. The ride will be hot enough."
With made me look kinda like this: O.o" ...
and I said:
"

Never gets old.

Letters

I read the book "99 francs" by Frédéric Beigbeder a few years ago and there was one special sentence main character Octave said in the book.

It was something like:
"People commit suicide because they only have outstanding balances in the mail.
No one writes real letters anymore."

This sentence made me think for quite a while.
When did I receive the last real letter? And when did I write the last one?
And why? Ah.. The questions kept coming..

Of course it seems to be much easier to just send a SMS or write a few lines on Facebook, via Email or whatever.

I wrote a lot of postcards when I've been on my four weeks trip but at home.. Very occasionally.
Very, very occasionally.
I do love writing letters though, so I think I will try to write more letters to my friends and family.
 Just because.

Girls night

Going out tonight with my colleague (and friend) C. Will be awesome I suppose.

Nightshifts. It's really busy right now, everyone had to take care of three patients (which is really stressful if only one of them worsens) and one colleague even had to take care of four (which is slightly impossible, at least for me)

One of them is pregnant,  but she is really sick, unable to move and to breath, we don't know why yet.
So last night, they rushed her to the gyn operating room and delivered the baby.
The baby's CO2 parameter was already by 98. Which is a lot.

But one of my favourite colleagues said to me: "Tiny, you're always trying to see the good side, I really like that."

Well, I can def. say, that it wasn't always like that, not even close. But things change.

By the way: The baby is a girl and she's already breathing on her own.
I really hope her mum survives.

"The only way to be happy is to love. 

Unless you love your life will flash by."

quote from the movie Tree Of Life which I have seen years ago.

It's great to see all your friends again and they hug you and say: "It's so good to have back!" 

"The people you love become ghosts inside of you and like this you keep them alive."

Rob Montgomery

Matt Corby - Resolution

Waking up at three in the morning (unintentionally), waiting for the sunrise, this song.



Beautiful.

Hey folks :)

I'm back and it was so awesome. Really. All my anxieties were absolutely unnecessary.
I think I got to know someone really well on this four weeks trip:

Myself.