Pre- Tavi

It's half past midnight or something, my favourite internist comes in and says that we will receive an emergency patient from my old ward. They are already reanimating him.
I have to prepare everything and then we wait in front of the elevator (which is in front of our team desks, monitoring so he sits on an unused bed covered in plastic foil while I walk around, excited (because you never now what to expect when they come in while reanimating someone) and pretty amped by all the coffeine.

Then they are finally there, a female doctor, a male doctor, an intensive ward nurse and a nurse (which I really liked) from my old ward  and of course the patient, a 89 year old male, looking pretty dead already (they said that he was turning rosy again, duh, the only one being all rosy was the intensive ward nurse sitting on him, reanimating the shit out of him)

We do all the stuff we have to do in an emergency situation and I wonder how calm I am.
Usually I feel like I am getting ventricular fibrillation too but this time, I already now, that nothing much can go wrong because I know we won't save him.

He already had one phial  Atropine, seven milligramme Adrenaline and some other stuff, I don't remember. They shocked him once, oh god, and what else..

The docs seemed unable/ unwilling to deceide whether to continue or not  and although I said: "Well.. just think about his prognosis even if we would get him back.. He would be braindead." they were murmuring into their phones, talking to their senior physicians, so finally my colleague P. screamed:
"Will you pricks finally stop now." and to my young colleague: "Stop it, I say!"

He had been reanimated for over one hour and twenty minutes. It was pointless.

Later that night, around 3 or 4, his son and his wife came to say goodbye.

An old little woman who was in shock and looking so lost and forlorn, it really made me sad.
My colleague P. said: "I am sorry for her, just imagine they had been married for about sixty years and suddenly he is gone forever with no chance of saying goodbye or anything like that."

I think it's the worst thing if you lose someone so suddenly and you cannot stop thinking about all the things you wanted to say and do but there is no turning back.
It's all impossible in the blink of an eye and you have to live with this feeling.

But they had a whole life together and they had children so I guess that's how life goes.
You live ... and then you die.