Hey, I'm still alive. Or to be honest I'm alive again.

Today someone told me, that I'm such a positive and full of energy kind of person.
 It really flatters me since I've been everything except positive for a long time.
In fact: A couple of years ago I've been called the most negative person that person knew.
So I improved obviously.


"You know the truth by the way it feels."


Update: I'm still studying, but I will start taking some med- lectures next week, just for fun at first, we will see..

I'm getting my drivers licence for a motorbike :D AAAAAAHHH So excited, I can't even tell.
I'm dreaming of a black Yamaha R6 or a black Daytona 675, but I really don't consider this a good idea for a beginner.


Bad night: over the last 24 hours, four patients died at our ward.
One died, while we were reanimating him, one of our docs was really reanimating the shit out of him, my colleague P. asked with bewilderment: "Are you trying to introduce him into the mattress or something?" 
I hate the feeling when a rib cracks. At first it's hard and exhausting to reanimate and suddenly the rib cracks, it gets easier but the feeling is disgusting. Soft and mushy. 
Unfortunately he died. 

Anyway, some of colleagues are happy to see me and hug me when I'm at work, which isn't quite often due to my studies.. 

One more night to go


So comforting.


Getting over it.

I wrote this post a long time ago, it was in June or July last year I think. I never wanted to publish it, until now. I think I finally made peace with it.

"Last weekend a patient of mine died.
It's been the first time, that I've been with a patient until the very end.

I mean, I've seen people dying. I've been there with colleagues but I've never been the one who was responsible for them in that moment.

So my patient died.
It wasn't a big surprise, actually he's been dying for weeks. His pancreas was rotten and started disgesting itself.  My Doctor told me: "We are giving at most 1µg Arterenol per minute, not more."

At the end of my shift he arrived at that line, his blood pressure still lowered and he died within a few minutes.

I stood there, next to his bed

One of my favourite colleagues looked into my room and asked whether everything was ok. 
"He's dead."
"I know, I meant: Is everything ok with you?"
 "This is the first time a patient dies while I am responsible for him."
"Tiny, are you crying?"
"Ok, I'll close the door behind me and you can be alone for a couple of minutes, ok? Just call me, if you need anything, alright?"
"Sure, thank you." "


Life was so different this time last year.

It's like a lifetime ago.

A lot happened since then, good stuff, sad stuff.
And things and people changed. For better and for worse.

Right now, I'm not sure what to think.
What to do.

I don't know what to say anymore.