I'm sitting outside of my home, looking at the stars, listening to Roosevelts song "Soleil" (which is soo nice) and it's warm even though it's almost midnight.

Thoughts about this weekend:

On Friday night I've been to a Hawaii Party of a friend and while I sat there between my friends, flowers in our hair, laughing and hanging out, I suddenly realized how lucky I am.
Same thing on Saturday evening, I prepared dinner for F. and me, we started eating and she said: "Oh.. this is so, so good!", later we went out with her boyfriend and a friend and enjoyed looking at all the guys from the Star Wars convention, I mean, have you ever seen a dancing Stormtrooper? Or some serious Lightsaber Limbo dancing?

Today we went out for a walk and sat down at one of my favourite spots in my hometown (where you  see some kind of rainbow reflection in the sky almost everytime, don't know why) and I felt peaceful.
No matter what, I will be okay and I think my friends will be also.

Like J. wrote a while ago: Life is good.


“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the shore

"I was thinking of my patients, and how the worst moment for them was when they discovered they were masters of their own fate.  It was not a matter of bad or good luck.  When they could no longer blame fate, they were in despair."  ~Anaïs Nin

The patient cries and cries and cries, like a baby, since she still needs ventilation you cannot hear a sound but seeing her face, twisted and distorted, really turns you down after a while.
She survived a heart surgery, she is still needy for intensive care but hey, she's not dead, she's awake and her family visits every day, trying to cheer her up.

I've been really patient. I tried to cheer her up too. But after a week of non stop whining, I lost my temper for a second.

"So many people would do anything to live and they have to die and you, you survived and this is how you value the gift of your life: you are whining all day, being totally miserable. 
You are whining when your family is here, you are whining when I am here, you are whining when you are all by yourself."  (I skipped the part where I wanted to say: "And besides, you are pretty much responsible for your own fate since you lived way too unhealthy, you are way too obese and you did not give a fuck about the responsibility of your on health in general.")

I don't know what to do, to make her see how lucky she's been, I don't think she is able to understand it. 

Even though her life changed by all means, there's still hope.
Or, to be a little bit more dramatic


Oh lala, less than a month until my adventure of the year (or one of my adventures of the year to be precisely) begins! I just can't wait even though the good old "What if.." game already reached an all time high in my head.
My magical motivator friend F. keeps on telling me like a prayer wheel: "You will be fine." "Everything will turn out great." "Don't you worry." "Stop acting crazy."  "No seriously, stop acting crazy."

My favourite song right now is "Sweater weather" by The Neighbourhood. Unfortunately I cannot link it but give it a try, I love the lyrics!
"Let's have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered."
'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater."

So, enough thought hopping for the moment.

Get up, get out and get inspired,



M: "Do or do not - there's no try."
Me: "That's not a quote by you, is it?"
M.: "It's by a great philosopher. Yoda."

Both: :D


Colleague: "You are talking so weird.."
Me: "What? Why?"
Colleague: "You're using words I've never even heard of."
Me: "Okay.. In my world this is totally normal, you know?"
Colleague: "Well, not in my world."
Me jokingly: "You're just confused because I am able to speak High German and "Ruhrpott" slang equally. And sometimes I switch between them in one sentence."
She: "Yeah.. That's so weird."


I received an emergency patient, so I started doing the routine we normally do:

Connecting him with the monitoring system, checking the ventilation tubes, taking blood samples etc..

So my colleague walks past my room and says: "Wait a minute, I'll help you in a sec."
and when he entered he said: "Where are all the other colleagues?" and I smiled, blinked  my eyes and replied jokingly: "Who needs the other colleagues if one can count on your help." (Because he really likes his help being appreciated, on the other hand: Who doesn't?) and of course he smiled too and said: "Aww, look at you, always pushing the right buttons as usual."



Night shift, it's still warm at 4 o' clock am and my colleague says: "Tiny and I are going out for a cigarette." (Fun fact: Both not smoking). So we stroll around the area, checking out if there are any unlocked vehicles of the transportation employees to drive around (his idea, not mine) and we chat with the security staff. The last night shift was def. the best: We made Cafe Affogato (double espresso with a scoop of ice-cream on top).

Unfortunately most nights are not like that. A few weeks ago they had 23 patients (our ward  only has the capacity to take 22, they put one patient into the operating room) and only seven nurses. That's.. not so nice.


Colleague: "Tiny, I don't know if you know this or if people say that to you all the time, but sometimes the things you  say are pure poetry. No, really."

I was flattered.