In the twinkling of an eye

"This is for you - because you are nice."

Broke my heart, he's dead by now.

All photos made by Tiny (2013)


1 hour

This morning an old lady came as an emergency to our ward, reanimated, covered in blood and some other  nasty stuff. Everything was pretty stressful, she had no pulse, no blood pressure and we continued doing the CPR. My team leader was bagging her (Intensive ward slang for ventilating the lungs with an Ambug Bag, we don't do the mouth-to-mouth sort of thing, it's gross and highly unhygienic) and I hopped on the bed and started reanimating.
At first it was pretty exhausting, suddenly it turned easier. I think I broke a rib. Or two.
I looked at her face and seriously, it was distorted in agony.
We tortured her while trying to save her life.

The docs kept on discussing whether to continue or not.
Someone said: "Dude, she's 84.."
one of the Docs said: "I mean we are already reanimating for an hour straight or so.."
(45 minutes on the normal ward, 15 minutes at our ward)
When I heard that, I knew she was dead already.
Even if we would've managed to get a pulse and some blood pressure, her brain would've been damaged irreparably.
If this would've been one of my relatives I would've told the Docs to stop immediately and to fuck off.

Two minutes later she was declared dead, two hours later a colleague and I took her down to the cooling chamber.
She looked peaceful then.
I think it was the best way this story could've ended. 


Little things in life

Some months ago I stopped at the house of a colleague in the morning to pick her up to work, it was 5:15 or something and still dark.
She sat down in my car and we started, not talking pretty much because we were both still sleepy and daydreaming about how work will be today.

"If you don't like the music on this CD, I can turn on the radio or something."  I said.
"No, thanks, the music is fine. I always like your choice of music, it's very peaceful to sit in your car with you."
I think this was a pretty weird compliment, but I felt flattered.

 My friend Fabulous F. gave me a journal for my birthday, it's the Journal of Awesome and you have to write down stuff that was awesome or fill in little questions like " What was the most awesome part of your week" etc.. it makes you noticing the small things a little more.

When I was in my future garden (yay! Awesome!) rambling around, looking at the tree and the weeds growing there, thinking about how much work it will be to turn this wilderness into something you can grow vegetables in, but suddenly I heard music.
I hold my breath for a couple of seconds and had to smile because somewhere near the garden someone was playing the clarinet, I recognized the famous song from "The Godfather" and "Que sera".

Last Saturday I was standing at the beach in Amalfi, Italy and looked at the sea.
 It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to.
Do you know those little moments, which last just a second or two but make you feel so alive, so present and remind you of the here and now, that you feel simply overwhelmed by life.
I think those moments are the ones, which will last. Which you will remember when you are old.
I told my friend: "You know, when we are old and demented, I hope, when I see pictures of the sea, that I will remember this. I really hope that these things are going to last, no matter what happens."
She smiled at me and I think she understood what I meant.

Sad but true.

"Holding on is tough. Much tougher than letting go or simply quitting."



The XX Chained


Beware of the nurse

Nightshift after my vacation (which was soooo good), my colleague P. (old nurse, very experienced and probably the most sarcastic, tough as nails person I've ever met. I am slightly scared of her^^) talks about a young Doctor, which I already know from the cardiology ward.

"Well, I can't remember his last name, so I always call him A. Asshole."
"You don't call him that when he is around, do you?"
She laughs and I get the feeling that she does, because she is giving a fuck about other peoples opions.

Dr. A did not listen to her advice and waited to long with putting a tube in a patient, which of course pissed her off.

"So I said to him, next time I am going to sue him at the medical association for being a stupid dickhead."


Finally.. it seems like the worst part of winter is over. I seriously couldn't wait just one more day.

I feel like I need to get out of town for a couple of days.
Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Yesterday evening I've been to the park near the hospital with a few of my favourite collleagues, where they meet sometimes after the late shift to drink a beer together.
It was warm enough to wear just a sweater and I sat on my engine hood and looked up and the stars blew my mind.

One of my colleagues told me, how work and renovating his home for 1 1/2 years bound him so much, that when he walked his dog and he crossed a bridge, his only reason not to jump down was his worry that his dog wouldn't find the way back home alone.
I'm glad he didn't do it, because he's a very funny, warm hearted and clever guy. 

Life is difficult.


Unfinished things

Found this in the list of unfinished blog entries. I don't know when I wrote it but it made me smile for a while:

This weekend I worked with a colleague I like very much, she is young, pretty cute and has not been a nurse for so long just like me.

Tiny: "I wanted to become nice again, like I've been before the traineeship."
Colleague: "Really, why?"
Tiny: "Because working in the hospital made me pretty mean, I think. So I wanted to become nice and sweet, like before."
Colleague: "So?"
Tiny: "Then I saw the patients and thought.. Aw.. Fuck that."

She laughed.

I am posting all the stuff I wrote but never published and I can totally see the changes.

Beautiful words

I like this song. And I like the band's name. Do you know these certain words, you like saying out loud because you like the way it sounds? My favourite English word is cellardoor but Lumineers is also great. I think my favourite German words are... Hmm.. Abendrot (afterglow), Heimweh (home sickness) and .. certainly a few more. Also, there are some names I like saying out loud but mostly because I relate something positive with the persons who are named that way.

Someone placed this little paper ship on the counter of "my" room in the hospital (read: The room in which I take care of my patients).

I don't know who it was, but I think it was a cute gesture.