The great Austrian empress always blogs delightful stuff. Check it out here and here and here.

I'm working on the new ward since almost two and a half months now. It's still super interesting (I mean, where else do you have conversations like: "Why is there brain on the pillowcase?" "Wait, what?" "Haven't you seen this?" "....Oh FUCK!"), but I really miss my old team.

Plus, I'm really scared to become a cold hearted psychobitch like some of my new colleagues.
I always thought I'm more the cynical, sarcastic one but, hands down, compared to them I am a school girl. No, really.

Today is one of those days (Why always Sunday?!) when I catch myself thinking things like:
"Fuck, it's time to do something, to do something with your life."


I would recommend this song while reading this post. I think it suits it pretty well.

Almost everyday (what do I say: Everyday!) I ask myself why we keep on doing all this... stuff..
Running around like madmen, working our ass off, bla,bla you've got to make a living.. This, that, all that stuff, that keeps us busy. I keep asking myself this question especially when it comes to my work.

What the fuck am I doing here?

A few days ago, something happened, that taught me why I keep on doing this job, even though I hate so many aspects of it.

A young man died at our intensive ward, only eight years older than me, looking like Frankenstein's child with tubes going in, tubes coming out, everything beeping and blinking and a whole lot of stuff going on to keep him alive.
He was not my patient actually but suddenly one of the Docs I like for being pretty reserved but cordially at the same, asked me to come with him, we entered the visitor room and he told the waiting relatives that the man died.

The wife broke down, a girl,  nearly my age. She kept on screaming and crying and I hold her like a child, with her head pressed to my chest, holding her hand.

I don't know how to act professional in situations like this, I never know. I do what I feel mostly.
I cried with her when she said: "Why didn't you jumpstart his heart?" "We did." "Why didn't you give him medicine?" "Look, we did everything that was possible, everything."

My mum had a very nice quote on her blog a few weeks ago, the translation is this:

"In fifty years, it will not matter how much money you've earned, how modern your flat was and what kind of car you've owned. But it could change the world, that we were important in the life of a child."

Maria Montessori

And I think for that reason I keep on doing this. The world will not stop turning because one man died, seven billion people won't even notice.
But maybe, it was important for his wife, that someone was there for her and hold her hand.


Matter of opinion

It's 6 am, we're getting the handover from the colleagues who had night shift, they talk about this and that: Patient X got along better, Patient Y needed more catecholamines... You get the idea.

One colleague talked about her patient, who got a very big surgery because of his cancer, they cut out a piece of his trachea (airway), did a big neck dissection, put parts of his pectoralis over the whole wound area. Really nothing you or me or anyone would want.
He was given artificial respiration, needed lots and lots of pain killer (Quelle surprise..) and my colleague said:

"As I know them (the docs), I think they are going to pull out the snorkel (intensive ward slang for endotracheal tube) as soon as possible, let him awake quick and try to tell him how beautiful life is."

Due to my lack of sleep, tiredness, overdose of caffeine and being overlain by the whole situation atm. I started laughing pretty hysterically.


So viel Leid..

Today a patient died on the intensive ward I'm working at. That happens now and then, people are sick, people die, the world keeps on turning.

But this patient was special to me because I knew him from the cardiology ward.
He liked me, he was the one who wanted to give me ten Euros "because you're nice."
It's different when people die and a few weeks before you laughed and chatted with them, if you know their family etc.
His daughter is just a few years older than I am and really, it broke my heart.
She cried so much, repeating: "Dad, don't go, don't leave me." Over and over and over again.
When I told my colleague that he died he said: "Well.. Finally!" and I replied: "Oh fuck you, that's so mean."

It's part of the circle, to die one day.
But it's never easy and never nice. Dying is always ugly.


Black Milk Clothing

I think I had the swimsuit on this blog before but I still love it.

If I could pull off leggins I would wear



and this.



Day eight on the intensive ward is over and it's great. Seriously, I love it. I learn so much and it's super interesting, I met a lot of nice new people.
They have a pretty special sense of humour though.

One of the docs there talked to a colleague about his upcoming medical specialist exam.
He said that he was unwilling to learn and that he thought how pointless a lot of the stuff to learn is.
My colleague said: "Well.. If you become a gyn you will probably need this."
He sighed and answered.
"Well.. If my grandmother had wheels, she would've become a skateboard and not my grandmother."

O...kay... :D

The other day one of my young, female colleagues rushed to me and my tutor and said:
"What the hell! My patient is masturbating and smiles disgusting at me! What shall I do?"
I replied: "I don't know.. Tell him you're not impressed? Or take a video?"
My tutor laughed and said: "Hey, I thought you are one of the sweet, innocent kind!?"
And I replied: "Well. I am. My sense of humour is just a little bit weird."


A very very short prescription!

End of life care machine - Dystopian thought.

Art school dissected - Wow!

The impatient list- Very interesting.
Hey, hello there!

Only two weeks left until I leave my current cardiology ward and start working at the intensive care ward. Yay, yay.

There's a lot of stuff going on (like.. always) but I am happy to say that my dear friends fabulous F. and Mr. Bonobo Stafford finally came back from their adventures in mysterious foreign countries.

Plus: I came to the conclusion that I have to start something.
I always wanted to write stories or stuff or this blog :D
so now I am working on a little short story which could enter a competition.
It's a little crime story and it's about: Diabetes!

So, I think I am telling you this to browbeat myself a little bit, because I hardly ever finish anything I write, goddamnit!

The comments crack me up: "Ron, Neville and Harry Potter"
"This is what Dumbledore's Army is doing in their free time!"

So.. Stay tuned I would say?


Can you bring me back the summer..

Seriously, there are certain songs which are pretty special. This is one of those songs for me.
I don't know why, but it touches me.

Plus: It made me smile to work on a cardiology ward and sing to this on the hallway.

"On my way, I'll get you started, I'll catch you, I know you're falling..
Oh hey, since we parted, we can't stay broken-hearted." 
I know, I know, the lyrics don't suit working there but who cares..

Sorry for being absent so long, but I haven't been in the mood for blogging for a while. Been taking care of my off-hospital, off-internet life.^^


Everything, everytime

A while ago I had a really, really sick patient, he came from an intensive ward but actually he wasn't healthy enough to stay on our ward.
13litres of oxygen per minute (pretty much) while his oxygen saturation was at 91% or something (not that good.) So when the doctors finally decided to operate on him, I took some of his blood from the central venous line to prepare everything in case he would need some blood transfusion.
But none of the doctors who were responsible for him were left on the ward (I guess they rushed to the operating rooms), I asked the one who was not responsible for my patient:
"...! Please you have to sign this, otherwise the lab will not prepare the blood."
He signed it without even looking at it and on my way out he said:
"Everything for you, Tiny. Everytime."
I replied: "Umm.. Wow, thank you."(Pretty lame)

Addicted to progress

I would be out dancing more often if songs like that would be played in clubs. Sorry Taio Cruz, this makes me dance a lot more.


Livin' easy, livin' free - or something like that.

Been to the CPR-instruction yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to refresh my knowledge after that reanimation on Friday.

So the instructor told us a little story how he had to laugh so hard at a reanimation once and I thought:
"Ok... that's a little bit inappropriate, isn't it?" but then he told us what was going on:

His colleague reanimated a woman with 100 beats per minute (The trainees at the hospital I work at, seriously learn to reanimate to the beat of "Highway to hell" or "Stayin' alive", how weird) when the woman regained conciousness and began to say: "Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch" with 100 beats per minute. He said that he burst into laughing.


If you love what you're doing, clap your hands! DON'T look at me!

Are you eating?

Great! You'll love this..^^

A lot of patients suffer from diarrhea atm. Yay..
I had to collect a feces sample from a patient and while I took it he said: "You have to do things-"
and I shrugged my shoulders and replied: "It's part of the job, isn't it?"
Patient: "Yes, yes. You've got to love what you're doing, don't you?"
Tiny: O.O"

(If he thinks that I love scraping his shit out of the toilet - thanks, but no thanks.)

So Baby keep my heart, b-b-beating!

Had my first reanimation on Friday. Geez, that's been pretty exciting. And yes, the patient survived.
No lie: Five minutes before my pretty cool, experienced colleague said:
"Tiny, I don't like that.. It's way too quiet on this ward. No telephone, no one on the hallway.. All the patients stay inside their rooms. Something's going on here."
And I was like: "Naaaw.. Relax. Enjoy this rare moment when it's not chaotic, loud and stressful."

And damn, she was right.


Here comes the night

I like doing the night shifts.
Usually I am on my own, everything seemed to be slowed down. You drive home when everyone else rushes to work, uni or whatever.
Plus it's super quiet on the ward.

On the other hand, weird patients act even more weird at night.

Female old patient rings the alarm.
Tiny enters the room, whispering: You rang the alarm, what do you want?
Patient: "I can't go on any longer, call the doctor!"
Tiny: "Okaay.. But why? Are you feeling sick, do you feel pain? I gotta tell him something if he shall come to ward. He will not come if the only thing I can tell him is, that you're feeling weird."
Patient is not able to reply properly, just mumbling stuff. Suddenly she turns her head, looks me straight in the eyes and says:
"Do you have a piece of chocolate?"

Wait.. What?

Tiny: "Excuse me?"
Patient: "Yeah, chocolate makes me feel better everytime I feel down."

First thought: Choke her! It's three in the morning! Choke her now!
Second thought: Or don't. Bad karma, bad, bad karma!
Open your mouth.
Say something.

Tiny: "... Wait a minute."
So I searched through our box of sweets in the room of the nurses and gave her a piece of chocolate.
 The end.

 Something different but even more weird:

A male patient, born in the seventies wanted a diaper for the night.
I said no.
(And not only because I've been afraid that he wants me to put it own)
I don't like it to give fit, young males these disgusting, plastic urine bottles they can hang next to their bed (seriously, at home they have to use the toilet too!) but I will def. not start giving out diapers to young, fit patients!


Thoughts I had lately


Sorry that it's been a few days with very little blogging going on, but I've been sick and so I had to pause everything hospital related.

But not anymore! (Yay?)

So when I had my few days off the blogosphere I thought about writing about the hospital in general and that I somehow felt stuck in bitching about stupid, disgusting, annoying patients and whining about sad things.

I miss the feeling that my work is meaningful. I miss feeling good after work, instead I feel dead-beat and exhausted and unsatisfied. I feel like things go down the wrong road and lately I caught myself watching things go wrong without doing something to avoid them.

Sooooo.. I'm trying to get back to the things that make me happy. Hobbies, friends, family, you know what I mean, everything I lost sight of while I've been pitying myself.

Hello, I'm back, how are you? <3


This is how we do it...^^

Plain awesome!
A few nights ago, I left the hospital after my late-shift.
It was pretty dark and I walked fast to get to my car.
Suddenly I heard a strange sound.
I looked around and smiled:

One of the guys who are working for the main lab (collecting blood samples on the ward, carrying them to the main lab and stuff) passed me by on his skateboard.
Normally they walk about the campus, bored and grumpy but this one seemed amused while riding his board.


No means no. Always.

I had to change the infusions, between the infusions and the patient wasn't that much space so I had to hold my breath, pluck my tummy inwards and squeeze between him and the window payne.

Patient: "I would not mind, if you would slip on my lap."
Tiny *annoyed*: "I would mind, though."
Patient: "And if I was 40 years younger and healthy?"
Tiny: "Even then. I would mind."

(And I  will mind that you touched my hip without my permission)
(Plus: He would be 35 if he was 40 years younger o.O")
(Plus: Rule No. 4 in Nurseyland: Never ever hook up with patients. Just don't.)
(PLUS: That morning he asked our 19 year old trainee whether she can wash his privates. Luckily she asked: "Aren't you able to do that on your own?" and he replied: "Well yes.. But I would like you to do that." Yuck. Yuckyuckyuck. (Of course she did not.))

When the alarm bell in his room rang I whispered to her:
"If he tries to get fresh with you, slug him." and seriously, I meant it.


Three strokes don't make me like you more, you know?

Okay, I see, the patient had three strokes and is now a little bit weird in his whole behaviour (keeping not much of a distance e.g) so even his own wife says:
"Well.. Who would take him away from me, now? Nobody would want him anymore."

But I asked myself how much of his acting has been there secretly before he the strokes..

Tiny: "Oh, one of the paddles of the ECG does not stick to your skin anymore. Can you lift your shirt please, so I can replace it."

Patient: "Yeah sure, I like it if you touch my breast."

Tiny: O.o "Excuse me?"

Patient: "So, may I touch yours, too?"

Tiny: O.O" "NO."

Patient: "Why not? I would like to touch a young breast.."

Sometimes.. I wish it would be allowed to slap people beeing so rude. It would not make things easier, but I would feel much better.


A weekly prescription

Anatomy art made out of paper, wow!

Album cover without the dead artist(s) on them.

Full beauty project. The German subtitle says: "Can women, being that obese, still be attractive?"
Honestly? No. Just like anorexic models who harm their bodies so bad, these women aren't healthy. They are very, very sick. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them dies at a very young age. Being chubby is totally okay. A lot of guys I talked to in my life, claimed that they actually like t&a (even though, I caught more than one checking out  the skinny girls secretly..^^)
But these women are committing suicide one donut at a time. So, sorry but no.

Plus: As always: Paris



I had to work at the ward for the heart and lung surgery for the last two days.
It's been exhausting but pretty interesting.
And again I noticed that the atmosphere of conversation on surgical wards is pretty... rough.

Male Nurse about patient: "She seemed fitter than the exorcist thought."
(To be honest, the female patient really looked like the girl from The Exorcist..
Tiny: "Are you okay...?" Patient: o.O" "Of course I am.." Tiny: *Shudder*

Male foreign Doctor: "Do you have vitamine c? But not with this artificial lemon taste.
I hate lemons."
Nurse: "Lemme see.. No. I don't think so. So you have to eat a sweet red pepper. Or take the vitamine c with the lemon taste. Or eat a lemon, haha."
Doctor: "No, then I will rather die."
Nurse: "Alright then."

They even told me, that there was a doctor who obviously had a drinking problem, who used to do this:

Patient: That hurts, I feel pain.
Doctor: *shouting* THAT HURTS! Boohoohoo... Look at me, I'm a little girl and this hurts so much!"

Luckily he's not there anymore.


You had me at "I'm just worried about your safety, please go back to bed."

This night, at three o'clock one of the old patients suffering from dementia wanted to get up and get dressed to meet the senior physician. (Ok...).
He already fell five or six times before but his relatives neither want us to give him tranquilizer, nor to fix him in his bed.

(My first thought was that they hope that when he falls for the seventh time he will finally break something important..)

So he climbed out of bed with his legs and did not wanted to get back into by any chance.
Instead he started kicking and punching. So uncool..

I called the doctor who sounded pretty dozily (Quelle surprise at 3:30am).
He came to our ward and talked to the patient for half an hour. I joked that he is trying to yak him back to bed. Finally, he stayed in bed and we went out of the room, my colleague E., the doctor and I.

I joked: "Well. After five minutes you made me wanna go back to bed. You had me at: "I'm just worried about your safety and I only want the best for you, please go back to bed.""

I liked: The patient who said to me: "Well, you are the night?" and I finally could say: "Yes, here comes the night!"

Plus: Lloyd's and Andre 3000's song "Dedication to my ex (Miss that). So catchy, makes me dance. Sung it the whole day.


And that's ok. I'm ready for it.

That was not really nice.

Yesterday night, I had to give a pill to a female patient at two o' clock. So I sneaked inside, woke her up carefully and handed her the pill.
She said:

"I feel all dead inside."
And of course I was like: "What?!"
And she said: "I feel, that I have no power left. It's all coming to an end."
Tiny: "No, don't you say that, it's never over as long as you fight."
She replied: "No, I know it, I'm going to die and that's ok. I'm ready for it."
Of course I almost freaked out because I've been scared, that she might be right and would actually die that night. But thankfully she did not.

But sometimes patients can feel their death.
Once there was this old woman and her relatives were with her day and night, 24/7.
But suddenly she said: "Why don't you all go and get a cup of coffee or something."
And the relatives left and when they returned, five minutes later or so, she was already dead.

I thought about that all my way home. But then I had to stop at a traffic light and say this Asian looking guy, standing there freezing while waiting for the bus and suddenly he started to shake and wiggle and jump and the song I heard matched so perfectly, I could not help but laugh.

My friend, Fabulous F. has been to their concert in Hamburg and I'm so super jealous^^


First thought: Serial killer or creep... or pervert. Just kidding

Dr. "Tiny, are you afraid of me?"
Tiny: o.O" "Um... no." (Thinking: Whoa..t the hell, should I!?)
Dr: "That's good. There are some of your colleagues who are actually afraid of me."
Tiny: "Okaay.."


Nietzsche is my homeboy!

Do you know that when you read something someone else said or wrote and you think:
"Damn it! I wish I would've said that!"

I know that feeling.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me. I'm just upset that from now on, I can't believe you." 

Friedrich Nietzsche - German philosopher



One of those lovely old ladies died yesterday during or after her surgery, I'm not sure.

And fuck me sideways, I swear, I knew that she would die, somehow, I don't know why, but I had a really bad feeling the evening before and I've been right.

My friend J. sent me this song, Bloc Party is one of my alltime favourite bands.
I love the lyrics:

"For my sweetheart the melancholic, you have crossed the river styx
And the waves have taken you away
As I lay my head on your chest, I can hear it your veins
Wake me up when u come to bed
So toughen up
Biko toughen up
Biko toughen up
This world isn’t kind to little things
Was my love strong enough to bring you back from the dead
If I could eat your cancer I would but I can’t
So I keep writing these songs for you
To steal you from your grey
And we can dance in our front room again
So toughen up
Biko toughen up
Biko toughen up
I need you be strong for us
So toughen up
Biko toughen up
Biko toughen up
This world isn’t kind to little things
Don’t you know that when you stand you stand up for the both of us
Remember that when the darkness looms
Every tear you shed is cleansing, taking the pain away from you
I left you blueberries in the fridge, the little things that I can do
You’re not doing this alone


Very ambitious

Yesterday I've been to the ward next to ours, I had to ask for anything, I don't know.
So it was already pretty late, nobody was in the hallway anymore, when I noticed a picture I haven't seen before.

Two impressionistic hearts and the slogan underneath:

We repair broken hearts. 

That's very ambitious, I thought.


A little prescription

A little prescription, that's all.

If I were pregnant, I would so totally wear that!

Skin and bones - cute underwear.

Paper Torso - so cool, I want one!

Generic things everybody does when falling in love - cynical but so true. Laughed my ass off.

Why can't we just dress up (and I really mean dress up) more often? I adore this dress. It's gorgeous.

Oscar Wilde knows it all, like everytime:

"We are all in the gutter. But some of us look at the stars."

Stayin' alive - literally.

The trainees made my laugh a few days ago.
We talked about reanimation and they said, that they learned to do it in the rhythm of "Stayin alive". At first I thought they were kidding me but the friend of a friend works at a rescue service and he told me the same. So it must be true!

"Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive"



Last Sunday night - Thank God it's morning!

So on Monday morning my last night-shift ended. The first two nights I've been with my mentor, the third night I've been all alone, the last night, a colleague came from eleven till half past twelve and from three to four o' clock to help me out.
Now I feel a little bit hungover, because my sleeping routine is a little bit disturbed.

One night, a patient who suffers from dementia rang the alarm bell and said: "Well.. I've been standing here for hours straight, I HAVE to go to bed now."
Tiny: "Um.. You are in your bed already."
Patient: "Nooo.. I'm standing here upright, I am really exhausted, I have to go to bed!"
Tiny: "Well.. If you are standing, what am I doing here?"
Patient: "You are standing as well."
It was pointless, there was no way to get to him. He's been really agitated all of the nights, everytime I heard a sound I rushed to his room, because I've been afraid that he might fell out of the bed or strangled himself with his foley catheter hose or whatever.

But I liked the night shifts. It's so different. And it's kind of funny to drive home when everybody else is rushing to work. Plus I felt like I have my days off, I slept till twelve, got up and the day just started. Maybe I should ask my boss to give me more night shifts.

In my last night, around four o' clock a patient showed up at my desk. She looked at the organ donor cards and said: "Well.. I guess I don't need one."
Tiny: "Why?"
Patient: "Everything is washed out inside of me... Hm.. Maybe except the liver. The liver should be fine, I guess."
Tiny: "Yeah, and I hope for you, that you will use your liver for a couple of years."
Patient with a dry laugh: "Yeah, I hope so myself."

Somehow I remembered the song "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry but somehow the lyrics in my head were slightly different.

Patient's standing in his bed,
There's a pounding in my head

Feces all over the room
Guess he's all covered with his stool,

Someone smells like a minibar 
Grandma's passed out in the hall
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I'm screwed
Oh well
It's a blacked out blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled ..

Last Sunday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we're gonna stop-op
This Sunday night
Do it all again
This Sunday night
Do it all again ...


Here comes the night

On my way home yesterday, I heard a beautiful song on the radio, it's by The Villagers and is called "Becoming a jackal". Unfortunately it's blocked on Youtube in Germany, thanks to that fucking Geoblocking. But you can listen to it anyway using Videoproxy or whatever. The lyrics are so great.

Soooo.. I'll be on my way soon to the hospital, yes, because it's my first night-shift. (I'm confused. Do Americans or Britains really use the term graveyard-shift for working at night? :D That would be hilarious if you would translate it directly into German..
Tiny *enteringapatientsroom* "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, here comes the member of the graveyard-shift." I think the number of strokes and heart attacks would increase.

Sleep well and sweet dreams


Gypsy And The Cat - Time to wander

One of the few times a commercial has a song which does not suck actually.
I love the lyrics.


Your weekly prescription

Very 80ies, I think. You like?

Daria Cosplay - Daria is my alltime favourite animated series, I love Jane's humor, Daria's cynicism, the soundtrack (Nirvana, Massive Attack, etc..)

Back to the future - People recreated photos from ther childhood, so good! Part II

My friend Mr. Bonobo Stafford sent me this link, the shirt is great, it's exactly how we nurses look like at work. Except the smoking.

Update: A very cool picture MA sent me, I love House. The only Doctor I trust in, haha.


Seeing the world through Tiny's eyes (or camera)

My Marylin Tee - it's great :)

Chocolate candy filled with sea-salt caramel cream. Made by yours truly

The Elbtunnel

Hop in Hamburg

The doctor you trust in, haha

Natures very own lightshow during an exhibition in Bonn

I mermaid I bought in Hamburg.

Tiny near the river

One of the more beautiful parts of my hometown

Sunset at the Ruhr (river)

All of the pictures are taken by Tiny (2011)
It's been a while since I posted some of the pics I took (because I had something like a picture-facebook-overkill, it really annoyed me having everything of people's lives documented. Pic it or it didn't happen. PLUS: Most of the stuff is super boring..) But maybe you like these.

Thank you very much!

Today a patient sneaked five euros into my pocket. I smiled and said: "Thank you, but you don't have to give me that."

He smiled too and said: "I know what I have to give and what not, and I also know who deserves it and who not."


New year's blah

Happy new year! (A little belated I know, but I'm a very busy young miss, you know..)

SOOOOO... What are we going to do this year? I mean, work and commitments all aside.. What are you going to do for you this year?
New years resolutions anyone?

I decided to do this:

Leaving the all-black wardrobe to something a little bit more colourful. It's not as easy as I thought because everytime I see a piece I might like I think: "Well.. It's ok. Do they have it in black either?" But I'm working on it.

Visiting at least three places/countries/whatever I've never been to! Explains itself pretty much.

Blogging more often, write with a concept not just the all day, every day rants about work.

Getting back into shape/visit the gym more often. 

Spending more time with my friends, spending less time on the internet, surfing randomly..

and maybe most important: Finally start studying medicine.

“Now that it’s all over, what did you really do yesterday that’s worth mentioning?” (Coleman Cox)